A Life Not Led.
I never did the things I wanted to do.
I never did the things I wanted to do. I listened far too closely to false idols and did what others told me—or what was, at the very least, implied. I rarely stood up for myself: my own beliefs, my own perspectives, my own interests and desires. I simply did what I was told. I shifted and reshaped my life to benefit others, neglecting my true feelings in order to make someone else happy. Now, finally, I realize I never was.
I don't know when it all changed, or if it truly has. What I do know is that at some point I recognized the pattern—and forced a correction. For so long I had swallowed whatever life prescribed, never once questioning what I was taking in, accepting it all like a liquid remedy for the common cold. I just stood there, in the middle of my own life, blank-faced and slow-blinking, slowly recognizing what I had become.
Am I too late? Is there such a thing as too late? I don’t know. Some days it feels like the opportunity remains, while on others it feels as if I’ve accepted my fate—a fate that brings no relief. Lost time, I’m lost in time. I’m a life not led.
This is a heartbreaking post. I am so sorry for you.
I have two answers which will sound contradictory but which, I think, actually say the same thing in different ways.
One: It is not too late. You're not dead yet. You're alive. Go live, now, how you want to.
Two: Is it to late for some things? Yes. But not for others. Look at what you wanted to do and be, throw out the things that it is genuinely too late for, and *do the rest*.
Spinoza said that regrets simply double our pain, adding to the pain of our mistakes the extra pain of the regret. Hard advice to follow, but good if you can.
Carpe diem. Seize the day.
It’s not too Michael. I was or am exactly like you. But I have changed although it’s a work in progress. Several years ago my eight year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap while I read her some Christmas stories. She heard me say joy and she immediately asked me what joy was. I explained to her as best I could what joy was. She thought about my explanation for a few minutes, snuggled in a little closer to me and asked “ do you have joy in your life grandpa”. I didn’t know what to say. I felt joy when she and I did things together but I realized then that my granddaughters would eventually become an adult and start a family of her own and there would go the joy I was feeling. I think about that word daily and realize I may never know hat true joy is.have I settled to help others and not worry about me? Maybe joy is something we have to nurture before it can become a reality in our daily lives.